Shots and Shoots

Our dealer hasn't turned his phone on all day. I'm sweating out death in a filthy bed, waiting, wishing, begging for the Boy to appear with a couple of wraps. Last I heard he was throwing his phone against the bathroom wall but I don't want to hear the words that end all hope, "no joy, he hasn't got / his supplier was busted". So I haven't asked. I've been up waiting since 10am and finished the whole of Sick City in one go. It's a seedy, beautiful artefact which only makes me crave oblivion more, but the reality is never as glamourous as when it's spoken by a poet. Blue Vals and cannabis smudge the edges of sobriety but I'd feel the effects better if I had a shot too. We even have rum and food in the fridge but it's all on hold until we score. I can't eat, can't drink. Can bearly smoke a cigarette. I'm a void, a vacuum. A receptacle for opiates. Without my medicine I can't fuction.

The sun blazes through a gap in the heavy curtains. Screeching, interchangeable teenagers in psuedoemogothlite uniforms gather under my window, jolting me sporadically from my self-inflicted misery. Everything is drab, beyond hope, rotten to the core. The outside world is alien, some whitewashed megamall stuffed with single mothers pushing prams full of 'little miracles'. I'm no better. I watched 4 episodes of Wife Swap US in a methodone stupor waiting for my hit the other day. Trash TV serves a very important function, it kills time stone dead so before you know it 4 hours have passed and you're 4 hours closer to the godlike hit that will come on like bastardised soma and turn you human again. If it comes at all. Tonight isn't looking good.

I had a fetish shoot the other day but was so high I look like a mannequin in every shot. The photographer loved it though. He has an obsession with suffocating me almost to the the point of unconsciousness. I think he gets a hard-on for dead girls which suits me fine. He pays me more than enough to maintain my habits and... and the euphoria that hits just before you black out is the purest high I've ever felt.

The Boy just woke up on the floor of his music room, screaming from a nightmare. This is going to be a long night..